If you don’t have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.
I don’t care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain….
Texting with your pinky because you`re eating.
There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few can catch your heart.
Throwing random things at people then acting like it wasn`t you.
hey, I found your nose. it was in my business again.
My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It`s freaking 2011, I`ll rent a boat..
I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted..
Practice makes perfect, But nobody’s perfect, so why practice?
Love is blind, and greed insatiable..
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
The key of my happiness, just forgetting my past.
Some people say the glass is half empty. Others say it’s half full. I’m just happy to have a glass!
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.